Episode 4 – “Je Regret Nothing”
Penny’s been trapped inside with a bad back for 5 days. thanks to Ladies Latte Karate Pilates, and an unfortunate Miranda’s trapped looking after her, waiting on her every need. Oh yes – and she’s got a bell!
Having earned the right to be demanding when she pushed a ten pound Miranda through her clacker Penny wastes no time in ordering everything to be plunged and expunged (every word ending in ‘unge’ should be banned… Although plunge is a lovely word… Pllluuungggee). Miranda attempts to amuse herself with snack fishing, playing geisha in her oven glove slippers and being an oh so graceful Darcey Bussell. But nothing can prevent her being driven into old age and her finding her first grey hair (felt tip thank you please to you, thank you very much). Horrified that she is turning into her what I call mother, Miranda resigns herself to the fact that all she has to look forward to is garden centres and cake baking before the simmering racism creeps in. She has entered her twilight years without ever really having lived. Reminded of her imminent death and her mother’s – she starts to wonder if there’s anything Penny regrets not doing (the final member of Buck’s Fizz it would turn out).
With a visit from Dr Gale imminent, he’s now gone private – even more of a catch, Miranda freshens up with hairspray – oooh unexpected joie de vivre! And requests Dr Foxy plunge her crack before offering him her bottom for an injection. As Penny languishes on the sofa after an injection, Tilly and Stevie turn up and make complete fools out of themselves in front of the doctor before curtsying him out. Tilly has an important announcementington – that she has decided to become a life coach (help us all). When she offers to be Miranda’s life coach, Penny and Stevie both insist it would be very useful offering up their life savings and a kidney to pay for it.
Miranda’s not feeling well, she’s had a headache for five days, which Google tells her means she’s got cerebral venous thrombosis. Grabbing Dr Gale’s blood pressure cuff Gary attempts to take Mirandas blood pressure, while Penny adamantly cries – I’m the patient here – I’ve just had a prick in my bottom! Dr Gale returns for his cuff and Miranda desperately asks him to reassure her. He gives her half an hour… to live??! Take me to Disneyland, no there’s no time! Have sex with me Doctor! Oh no, a half hour appointment in the morning. Well the near-death experience has made Miranda realise she needs to live life free from the fear of regrets – she will go to a music festival!
But on the first day of the rest of her life – a sweaty, achy Miranda wakes from a horrible night. All limpy – like a limpet – like Limpet Opek. Abandoned by Penny and Stevie, Miranda could do a weepy. After Stevie realises Miranda really is ill (why else would she refuse food?!) she tries to speed up the recovery process by singing. Miranda asks her to leave but an invigorated Tilly bursts in crying Carpe Diem, seize the carp! Seeing Miranda looking truly horrendo – like a drunk Princess Anne, she realises this is the perfect time to start life coaching. Tilly begins to emotionally and physically declutter, starting with the fact that Miranda is a child trapped in the body of a woman, trapped in the body of a man, trapped in the body of an even bigger woman, trapped in the body of a Kong. Stevie commences sterilisation of the apartment and no sooner have they both left, than a suited and booted Gary comes bursting in. Miranda thanks him for the roses but apparently they’re for Jacinta – the girl he met last night at ballroom dancing.
Tilly’s Tinspiration isn’t going as well as she thought, after she says Penny’s really controlling, Stevie’s a bossy, pushy, neat freak and Gary’s a childish commitment-phobe. Eventually they all pull together – Gary makes Miranda broth (aka soup if you’re not ill). Next day, Miranda’s feeling much better, but when Stevie brings her croissants and eggs, she jumps back into bed and decides to make the most of it. A day sponging off her friends will be much better than going to a music festival. After curry, poppadoms and trifle from Gary, Miranda delights in ‘me-time’, prancing round the living room singing to the Spice Girls, unaware of all her friends plus the doctor behind her. Dr Gale leaves hurriedly after being assaulted by the girls, which Gary validates – (it’s just cos he’s so hot). It turns out there was a surprise festival in her flat being planned, with burger van and karaoke machine, but her annoyed friends decide it’s off. The only way she’ll get her music festival is if she goes to an actual festival but when everyone else starts feeling ill, Miranda puts on her own festival in her apartment ‘to cheer them up’.
Miranda – Miranda Hart
Penny – Patricia Hodge
Stevie – Sarah Hadland
Gary – Tom Ellis
Dr Gale – Adam Rayner
Miranda is on BBC 1 on Mondays at 9pm.